for me, being in love with someone is a feeling that's such like waves, we can't inhibit them from coming, but we can choose which one to surf. really we can choose them, which one to surf! i stated Z has a "heart hypoalgesia". so when she fell for someone and it didn't responded, she'll feel "well, yaudahlah yaa.." no hurts inside, feels like her sensitivity of painful stimuli decreased, so that she can go on without realizing she was in love, actually.
sometimes i just want to be like her (actually really never fall for somone). it's ok to have someone to keep your spirit feels like always up everyday when you fall in love. but for me, sometimes it's such like betrayal (idk, i can't find nicer word to describe it) to your real soulmate later. i want my love solely only for him, who will be my future husband. you know, memories of the past sometimes can be so much toxic, when you're reminded of them, they can hurt the person you're with, or worse. and no one can defeat their memories cause they're remaining in your memory. so when you have had fallen for someone, been a girlfriend of someone, it's not imposibble to suddenly remember your good memories of them when you've finally be someone's wife. for me, it's such like "why you remember them again? you're with me now, it hurts me real bad when you compare the feelings!". realize it or not, sometimes people likes to compare things, including their feelings when they're with A or B or C. well, still, people knows the word "let go" and "move on", so that they might not be remembered anymore of their pasts.but for myself, i'm someone who always remember details. for myself, i don't want to.
i've never had a boyfriend in my life, frankly. when i stated this to my friends, almost all of them will say: "yang bener lo, mi?", "elo??", "masa sih? kenapa??", "really?", "lah, si ini? si itu?", etc etc etc. do you know people choosing for ta'aruf? well, i'm not stating i'm one of them, but i choose to be someone's girlfriend once and ended up in marriage life. i choose to go on serious-without-playing-or-trial relationship. sorry for being so much silly maybe, but it's been what i'm dreaming for. i want my love solely only for him. who will become my future husband.
i might have fallen for several times (hell yeah, how many times i've typed this sentence? lol). when they're getting closer to me, and i feel like "no, he's not the one", i will stop, defense, and get back stated "we're friends". sounds like an evil, huh? but yes, i don't want to let my heart falling for so many men. i want it to be only for him. am i wrong?? i want to keep my heart "clear" when i finally meet him later. though i might have betrayed my principle several times, but i still want to keep it. honestly, i just want to make it special, when the time comes.
i learned from someone used to be so closed with me, i might loved him, but felt so hurt inside knowing he never let go of his past. and i'm not demanding him to move on (anymore), i know it's gonna be so hard. but i just don't want to experience it in my life, because i know how deeply it hurts me. i don't want myself to hurt somebody who's just sent to me later. i don't want to be a woman hurting you (my future husband) later. *and about this someone.... idk :)*
"all my life, i pray for someone like you...". like who? to be frank, i haven't known who the 'you' is going to be like, here. i'm not saying he must be just like me, trying to keep being alone instead of being with someone, which is can be the way to learn kinds of relationship and how to face hardships through them. i've learned a quote stating "men always want to be a girl's first love, and girls always want to be a man's last romance". well, for you, my future husband, i want you to be my first love and i want me to be your last romance. but really. LAST romance! :).
Tidak ada komentar:
Posting Komentar