It's been more than three months since I said I'm moving on, healing, leaving. I said I won't back. In fact, what??? I'm back. It takes those times, but it turns out with the result: I'm still here. Moving nowhere. Still. You know exactly how it feels to have your head made of stones. You know exactly how the hurt feels when you're disappointed by the one you love, the one where you put your best hopes in. I might not love you, I might not put my best hopes in you, but I've put my best prayers for you. There's something I would like to know the answer: How does it feel when everything reversed, you place the one who made you disappointed, you place the one who made you cry, you place the one who made you feel the hurt? And I'm in your position, feels the hurt, feels the disappointments, cries. How does it feel? Is it hurt? Or is it nice? Do you know? I never want to feel it; I never want to know how it feels to hurt someone who put his/her best hopes, his/her best prayers in me. Because I feel it. I feel it.
After all of these times, I admit that I've got many things from you. It's all not about the materials, it’s about the lessons I've learned. I learned that waiting needs really big patients. I've learned that things won't change, but us! I've learned that moving on is never gonna be that simple. I’ve learned that it takes time to believe. I’ve learned that what we hope won’t work out if we’re just standing at the same place, hoping. I’ve learned that I am stoneheaded. I am much more stoneheaded than what once I said you were.
It brings me to the attitude you may have been don’t understand. Looked like you’ve made too many big mistakes. I’ve made you feel confused about how to start a talk with me. I let you know, It’s just one of my ways to try to get rid out of my stoneheaded, it’s one of my ways to try to let you see I’m strong enough, I’m working on my own “project”, I’m moving on. I’m getting out of my bad habits. I just wanted you to see that “I can”, so that you would be pleased to do it to yourself by saying “you can”. I just don’t want to let you know I’m much unstable, I’m much stubborn, I’m too stupid to learn many theories I’ve given you. I just wanted to show you that I’m learning of how to ease the hurt, and I’m done. So that you would still learn from me. But lately I’ve been thinking I was just pretending myself I’m strong. You may be much stronger than me. You may be much more patient than me. So, let me know what you hate the most of me, tell me what you don't understand of me, hit me with your worst words, tell me what makes you confuse of me. Then please, would you mind forgiving me for those? Because it was just my way to hide from the reality that I am too weak.
I've tried so hard to tell my self that I can't wish too much. Because everything wouldn't work out as I wished and will just come back to me as disappointments. Every single step I take has been to bring myself back!
You’re something that I never choose, but at the same time, you’re something I never wanna lose. I must admit you were not a part of every single thing I write, but if you have time and would like to open it up, you are the story fulfilling my writings. I must admit you’re the thing I wished I can change. But who am I to change you? Oh what a pity I am when I said nothing will change you, but yourself! In fact, I made no beautiful traces in your step, I gave no nice effects in your journey moving on. What have I done? I just keep feeling those disappointments and hurts. And if somebody comes and asks "what hurt you feel?". I will just stay with my mouth closed don't know what to answer. Because I never found the answer no matter how hard I tried.
But still, I’ve done my best, I’ve done everything I can do for you. For the times we had, for the things we’ve done, for the jokes we laughed at, for the stories we’ve shared, I’m sorry for those. I don’t say I feel sorry, I say I’m sorry. I’m sorry for putting my self in your days. You see, I have many bigger things to concern, I have many more complicated problems to solve, I have many things to put my focus on. And by the times coming, I realized I have many friends. When I feel like the whole world is gone, they would be the ears to listen, the eyes to watch over, the heart to feel, the hands to help, the brain to help me think logically, the shoulder to be my place to cry on, the hands to rely on. And they told me I have to save my best for the one really deserve it. Isn't it nice? I once have wished I could be those great things for you, I thought I’m quite able to be your defense machine, but what I see now, I couldn't be even one of those. It’s all okay. You’ll find another.
Bye everybody's batman. Take care of yourself. Remember, now I'm not leaving, I'm just going. My prayers for you. :)
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